Who Have You Written Off? Turning Towards Connection
Who have you written off? Who do you not believe is so fundamentally different that connection with is not possible nor desirable? Who have you deemed unworthy of knowing? Who have you written off?
Over the course of my life, I have written people off. More than I would like to admit. It not how I want to nor aim to relate to my fellow humans. Yet there are those I have closed my ears, mind and heart to. There are people I have not taken the time to listen to deeply, to hear and feel their life stories, experiences, knowings. Most of this, until recently, has been beneath my conscious awareness, as I acted on inherited preconceived notions that I could not see beyond, not knowing there could be another way. I am grateful that I have come to know that there is a very different way. A way of meeting and knowing others that leads to deep, rich, sometimes life changing connection and wider, more whole understanding of others, the world and myself. Through my experiences of opening in the places I have been closed, I have come to see that this opening is a powerful and necessary path to the healing transformation our world is yearning for.
It is so understandable that most of us have habits of polarization, separation and disconnection. We are immersed in these patterns that are so deeply embedded, reinforced and enforced via institutions and norms of our current societies. These ways, developed and passed down over many generations, in response to unhealed collective human traumas have become so ingrained in our own ways of thinking, feeling and moving that we don’t even notice they are at play. Yet they very much, are creating and sustaining oppression among humans, harming our natural world and leading to widespread loneliness, grief and fear. It’s time to change course.
Contrary to how it can seem, disconnection and polarization are not our natural way and are not how any human truly desires to be. We would not have survived without an underlying drive towards connection and collaboration. We yearn for it. It is our inherent nature. For so many historic reasons, we have collectively gone astray from core aspects of our inherent nature. It’s time we to turn from individualistic, polarized ways and reclaim our natural connection to each other, ourselves and our whole earth. Repairing the ties that have broken among us is the path to repairing all that is off in our world. It is what will change our own lives. It is absolutely possible. It is in fact already happening in so many profoundly beautiful ways. We have been trained to not notice the abundance of shining examples all around and within but they are there.
I made a friend in Georgia last year with someone who, not long ago, I would have thought connection with was not possible, or even desirable. Our encounter was brief and we will likely never see each other again. Yet in our moments together, this man who I will call Joe, touched my heart and I’m quite sure I touched his. On the surface Joe and I seem quite different. Our histories and current lives look very different. We see the world through different lenses. Joe is a white, heterosexual, gentile, male minister from rural Georgia, US who votes for republicans. I am a white, Jewish, LBGTQ woman from the northeast of the US. I traveled to Georgia in support of two people one Jewish and one African Heritage, running for senate as democrats. Joe had never conversed with someone who voted for democrats and I had never been to the home of a man with a life or perspective such as Joe before that day I knocked on his door.
Through our conversation, Joe expressed some opinions I strongly disagree with. I could have walked away from Joe the moment I heard his views. I could have judged him ignorant, closed-minded and unworthy of my time. Years before I might well have. But I had traveled across the U.S. because I was moved by the opportunity to meet and know people I might never otherwise encounter. I wanted to learn more about people I did not yet know so I could see them more truly and wholly. I wanted to understand what their lives are like and what led them to their beliefs and decisions. I reached for connection across ethnicity, class, religion, region, political affiliation and other so called differences to see and what is possible beyond our assumptions and patterns of division. So I did not walk away from Joe. I stayed, moving through my internal barriers so I could listen deeply to him and could share my own self in turn. I am ever grateful that I did.
There are parts of me who don’t understand how Joe can believe the things he does. I want to believe that I would never be so unaware. Yet I have come to see that I am not as different from Joe as I might like to think. We have all unawarely taken in the distorted picture of our world that we were immersed in at such a tender young age. We could not help but be vulnerable to internalizing inaccurate messages about others, as it came to us through those we were closest to, those who raised us, those who led our communities. These messages were overpowering and overtook our ability to think, especially about people, places and issues we had no connection to or relationship with. We all end up with blindspots. My blind spots are not the same as Joe's but they exist and may be no less harmful. That has felt so painful to face. Yet it is more so freeing, because it allows repair and opens the way forward.
There are undercurrents of separation and polarization in many of our languages and attitudes, especially in languages such as English (the language I was raised in) and in countries such as the United States (where I was born and live), with histories of domination and division. When we look below the surface, commonly used terms such as “like minded” are deeply divisive implying that if you seem to think, see the world, vote, practice religion, dress, eat, etc. as I do, I will associate with you but if you seem to think differently, I choose not to know you. This limiting way of relating leaves our minds and lives so much smaller and tighter than what is available and possible for us all.
Defining and fixing people based on something they think or do at a given moment does not reflect the true depth and substance of who humans are and can be. It is a limited understanding of what is possible between and within us. I would not want to be defined by or judged for some of the ideas I have held in my life or some of the choices I have made. We get to reach for each other when we are off base with kindness, connection and the understanding that none of us is better or worse than anyone else. This is what will most effectively enable change in the areas we most need.
It is external conditions of our lives and societies, not character flaws, that cause any of us to be unthinking, uncaring, unaware and closed in our view and treatment of others. Understanding this allows us to address our problems at their true root. Seeing individual people or groups as the problem, turning our backs on them, refusing to learn and care about their stories and lives, blaming, judging and maligning them gets us nowhere good and only leads to deeper entrenchment of our harmful ways. It is the conditions of all peoples’ lives that we need to change to end polarization, oppression and all forms of harm.
Should I not have opened my heart to Joe? Should I have not have stretched myself to learn his story? What could possibly have been better about that? Most, if not all of us, have experienced connection with those we did not expect to. We have felt how heart-lifting, mind-opening and hopeful that can be. Opening to connection, with genuine caring and respect, especially with those we have been closed to, not only allows us to see others more fully and accurately but it also enables us to see ourselves more clearly. It is a powerful act with potent impact that reverberates well beyond that moment. So what gets in our way of doing that all the time, with everyone?
What are we afraid of? What would it be like to open to connection where it does not feel possible or desirable? What is the risk in that? What do we have to lose? More importantly, what do we have to gain if we walk a different path? Joe couldn’t see beyond the preconceived notions he has been taught about people he has not known. Much as I don’t want it to be so, I have done the same. I just don’t see where or how. Not yet. But I fully intend to. Now that I know the way. Now that I know what is possible on the other side.
